I’ve been thinking about how can I increase my self esteem without making it an ego reaffirmation. And I think that the key is to realize that I’m not an isolated individual, therefore my worth, my value cannot be isolated either. I am what I am because of my interactions and connections with the world. I co-construct myself with my surroundings, with the living beings around me. So, in order to understand and love myself, I must comprehend that there’s no “inner value” created out of the blue. I’m part of the stream of life, I’m one link in this aeons of living processes. I’m a part of this world, and every part is as important as the whole, simply because we are all part of each other.
If I’m brave is because I fight for the others. If I’m loving, is because I love other beings. If I’m smart it’s because all the things I’ve learned and the teachers I’ve had.
I am a worthy woman because I work every day to make life better for everyone. I’ve been fighting my shortcomings to be happier and help others be happier too.
I can feel good about myself because of the love I spread. Because I love and help others as much as I can. Because there is a friend who is alive because of me; because right now my cousin is starting to heal his trauma because I received his confession with all my love. So many animals have had better lives because of my care.
If I suffer, if I act unskillfully, it isn’t because I’m bad, stupid or not good enough. Maybe I just don’t know better, I’m afraid or I misunderstand the situation.
Compassion can only exist through interconnection; real love, metta, can only emerge from an absence of walls, in order to love myself I must love myself and the others openly. Love and compassion are like water, they must flow unrestricted to bring life.
So, when I love myself I love you too. When I love you, I love myself too.
Spiritual dead is is an act of love, I let my illusory isolated self die, so that my real interconnected self can emerge. As I learn to love I die and I’m reborn, over and over again. It’s all right. I don’t mind.
I am too connected to you to
Slip away, to fade away
Days away I still feel you
Touching me, changing me
And considerately killing me.
James K. Maynard